The Silence of Fathers: Shame, Strength, and Finding Our Voice
- David Marentette
- Nov 7
- 5 min read
I recall one of my first nights as a newly trained police officer, still barely 21 years old. I was dispatched to what became the site of a tragedy I’ll never forget. A person’s life was slipping away, and despite all my efforts, my attempts to save them were unsuccessful. I remember the look in their family members’ eyes, and I remember the moment the paramedics pulled me back, saying there was nothing more to do and that the person was gone.
In that moment, I felt shame for having failed and for not being fast enough. Shame that others saw me tremble as I sat in my cruiser, unable to turn the key. I didn’t know that a severe adrenaline dump could leave the body shaking. I convinced myself that real men didn’t struggle like this, that my shaking was proof I was a coward.
My supervisor met me at the scene and asked how I was doing. I put on a brave face, said I was “alright,” and went back to work. That was the only acceptable answer at the time. Police officers and other first responders aren’t afforded the privacy, or indeed the luxury, of expressing their emotions in the moment. The last thing anyone would want during an unfolding crisis is for the very people who are supposed to help to fall apart.
My supervisor clapped me on the shoulder and said, “More calls are waiting”. He was proud of me in his own way. But as I drove to the next call, a domestic violence situation, all I felt was shame, and I was left with the persistent thought that maybe I wasn’t cut out to wear the uniform after all.
Shame and Silence
Shame is not just embarrassment. As Brené Brown (2013) writes, it is the painful belief that we are flawed and unworthy of belonging. For men, this belief often hides behind silence, workaholism, or anger. We learn early that vulnerability equals weakness, and so we armour up. Numerous studies support this pattern, including Addis and Mahalik’s (2003) work showing how traditional masculinity discourages men from seeking help, and Tuckey and Scott’s (2014) findings that even structured debriefings can face resistance among first responders.
In policing, I saw this play out constantly. After tragic calls, we’d gather for critical incident debriefs. These sessions were meant to help us process what had happened. Yet, male officers often had to be pressured into attending, and even then, few spoke. Some would crack jokes, others would sit in silence, arms crossed. The unspoken message was clear: Don’t let anyone see you struggle.
As a volunteer firefighter, the culture was no different. We faced trauma head-on, but emotions were hidden. Men could walk out of burning houses but not into conversations about the fires inside them.
But silence doesn’t protect us. It isolates us.
Women in first responder roles face the same exposure to trauma and may also use coping strategies that are not always protective. At the same time, population studies often reveal that women employ more emotion-focused and social-support coping strategies than men, which can be beneficial depending on the context (Eichenberg et al., 2023). These are trends, not rules, and individuals vary in their preferences.
Fatherhood Through the Lens of Shame
The silence didn’t just affect my work; it followed me home.
When my son was young, I was already carrying PTSD. Avoidance and depression had taken root. I missed moments like school events and simple family time, not because I didn’t care, but because shame kept me at a distance. The inner voice whispered: "You’re not a good father. Better to withdraw than fail." Shame kept me from showing up in ways my son needed, and for years, I carried the weight of those missed moments. But fatherhood has a way of giving second chances.
Today, I’m not only a father to my son but also a foster dad, and soon, a full adoptive father to my daughter, Nancy. That journey has reminded me that fatherhood is never about perfection; it is about presence. It has taught me that love is something we choose daily, even in the middle of our own struggles. Parenting taught me that while shame says we’re not enough, children remember us showing up imperfectly, vulnerably, and consistently.
I sometimes think back to those early nights on an isolated northern reserve, holding a newborn in my arms with no family nearby, no mentors, and no one to call. The fear of not knowing what to do was overwhelming. And, true to the culture I had inherited, I stayed silent. Looking back now, I see how those moments of silence shaped me and why breaking that silence matters so profoundly today.
Moving Forward
After years of silence, I finally sought therapy. Healing has not erased the past, but it has given me tools to rebuild. I was able to reconnect with my wife, son, and daughter in deep and meaningful ways. Through therapy, reflection, and education in psychology, I found clarity and resilience.
I once felt like I was standing at the base of a mountain with no map. Now I see that the climb itself holds the meaning. None of us will reach the summit without slips, falls, and tumbles. But strength is found in the journey, in each imperfect step—and in the courage to break our silence.
Further Reading and Sources of Information
Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help-seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.58.1.5
Brown, B. (2013, January 15). Shame vs. guilt. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/
Eichenberg, C., Grossfurthner, M., & Andrich, J. (2023). Gender differences in coping strategies: A systematic review. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, 1103049. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1103049
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook. Guilford Press.
Pascual-Leone, A., Paivio, S. C., Harrington, S., & Rowe, C. (2016). Emotion-focused therapy for trauma: An examination of treatment fidelity and clinical change. Psychotherapy Research, 26(4), 484–496. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2015.1045557
Southwick, S. M., Charney, D. S., & DePierro, J. (2023). Resilience: The science of mastering life’s greatest challenges (3rd ed.). Cambridge University Press.
Tuckey, M. R., & Scott, J. E. (2014). Group critical incident stress debriefing with emergency services personnel: A randomized controlled trial. Anxiety, Stress, & Coping, 27(1), 38–54. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615806.2013.809421
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