There is so much to say about this incredibly important topic – more than a blog could ever cover – but I will do my best to cover the highlights!
Recognizing the Signs of Domestic Violence
Domestic abuse comes in many forms; it is an umbrella term that encompasses many types of abuse. By definition, domestic violence is the attempt, act, or intent of someone within a relationship, where the relationship is characterized by intimacy, dependency or trust, to intimidate either by threat or by the use of physical force on another person or property.
The purpose of the abuse is to control and/or exploit through neglect, intimidation, inducement of fear, or by inflicting pain. According to the https://www.alberta.ca/recognize-family-violence types of abuse include:
Domestic violence – refers to violent or abusive behaviours in an intimate, dependent or trusting relationship. Depending on the place and context, that could refer to family violence or intimate partner violence.
Intimate partner violence – means harmful actions (physically, sexually or psychologically) by a current or past partner or spouse.
Sexual violence
Child abuse, neglect and sexual exploitation
Elder abuse and neglect
Spousal or partner abuse
Parent or guardian abuse
Sibling abuse
Being exposed to another person’s abuse
Pet cruelty
How to Approach and Support a Domestic Violence Survivor
The chilling reality is that 1 in 3 Albertans will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. As support systems, you may notice changes in your loved one long before they ever disclose to you that domestic violence is occurring.
Other times, the conversation may come as a complete surprise. As a supporter of a person who is struggling with intimate partner violence, how you mange the conversations can be critical to allow your loved one to feel safe talking to you about their experience and allow you to offer ongoing support. In the resources section below there is a wonderful and free RealTalk guide that can offer suggestions about how to have these conversations.
Open Communication: Supporting A Domestic Violence Survivor
In short, however, when your loved one speaks to you about their struggles you can support them by:
Checking your assumptions and biases – we all have a history and our own experiences, and this may cause us to bring these opinions into the conversation and cause shame and shut down in the survivor. Instead try and be open to their perspective and experience. For example, we may be confused about why they would stay in the relationship. Try and gain an understanding of their context without judgement - their fears, their financial situation, their other support systems, etc. that all combine to either help or hinder a survivor’s ability to leave right away.
Offering help – sincerely offer empathy and a desire to help and listen. For example, offer to help them connect to support groups, victim services, family lawyers, and other supports to help demystify the idea of leaving the relationship. Even offer to go with them if possible. The more information they have, the more empowered they will feel.
Educating yourself – try and gain an understanding of the different ways domestic violence can occur. It does not always have to be physical – for example - Coercive control is often unseen – but it is damaging – it is an act, or a pattern of acts, used to regulate and dominate another person’s daily life. These acts could look like different forms of abuse, including verbal, sexual, psychological, spiritual or financial.
Safety Planning: A Crucial Step in Supporting Domestic Violence Survivors
Creating a safety plan and an emergency exit strategy with your loved one can also help demystify the process of leaving. Provide them with addresses to shelters, food banks, and depending on your relationship with the survivor, you could even consider giving your loved one a key to your home should they need to escape any time of the day or night.
Additional ways you can support them while helping ensure their safety include:
Encourage them to seek help through the justice system – But also keep your expectations low. The police, social workers, the criminal courts are all put in place to assist the survivors but, given that intimate partner violence often occurs behind closed doors, justice may not always come in the form of a criminal conviction. The rules of evidence in criminal court significantly limit the survivor’s ability to relay the full context of their abuse when testifying. The good news is that civil courts across Canada have made exciting and helpful gains over the past number of years- if they desire, help the survivor speak to a civil court attorney to explore financial remedies should they want to relay their story in more detail and need to recover assets. **This is not legal advice – connect with a lawyer to gather more information about your legal rights and avenues.
Document your observations – This may become helpful for either the survivor simply processing what happened to them or should criminal or civil charges become levied later. Write down the date and times of your observations and/or conversations and the details that the survivor provides you. Often survivors are suffering from extensive trauma and their recollection of events may not be accurate (or they may not recall them at all). Your written accounts may really help.
Check in – Connect with your loved one often to see now they are doing. Shame and secrecy are both very real in domestic violence situations. If you can, see them in person and check for visible injuries. Ask them if they are safe and if they need help. Offer support always.
Connect with supports for children and pets – Oftentimes survivors stay due to limited resources or outside supports. For example, many shelters or rental properties do not take pets. Try and explore barriers to leaving with the survivor and problem solve with them.
Utilize Claire’s Law – See if the abuser has a history. This may assist the survivor to make decisions about their relationship. A previous history of domestic violence may help the survivor see things more clearly. It is NOT their fault that they are being abused. We have an entire blog post dedicated to this law, you can read it here.
The Power of Support in Overcoming Domestic Violence
Gaslighting and blaming the survivor are classic, textbook forms of manipulation of the abuser. They will purport themselves to be the victim and cause the survivor to feel that the abuse is their fault. Encouraging the survivor to educate themselves about domestic abuse and the abuser manipulation tactics will help the survivor feel more empowered and gain a greater understanding that they are not to blame. Let them know that no matter how much they love them, they cannot and never will fix their abuser. We have a blog post related to this topic that may interest you, you can read it here. (See below for some forms of abusive manipulation tactics that your loved one may be subjected to).
Self-Care for Supporters of Domestic Violence Survivors
Most importantly, while you as the support system will be focusing on helping your loved one, know that you are also not alone. You do not have to do this all on your own. With their permission, try and bring in other support systems. Below is a list of several helpful community resources and information that will help immensely.
It's also important to continue to take care of yourself as you offer support. Seek your own therapy – our team at Balance is especially dedicated to supporting the supporters as well as those struggling with domestic abuse.
You can connect with our team anytime! We will also be offering an intimate partner violence group in early 2025 – stay tuned for details (or sign up for our email list to be notified when signup is open).
The Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime at 1-877-232-2610. Or go to https://crcvc.ca/resources/resource-directory/ to find resources in your area.
Other resources for support systems:
Balance blogs re: Intimate Partner Violence:
Free REAL Talk guide to help us understand and talk openly about domestic abuse in Alberta for support systems:
Forms of abusive manipulation:
--
About Balance Psychological Services
Balance Psychological Services is a psychological private practice aimed toward healing, growth, and balance. Our mission is to ensure that every person who walks through our doors feels seen and accepted for exactly who they are, no matter the circumstances they are facing. With offices conveniently located in Stony Plain, Edmonton, and Beaumont, we are here and ready to help you find your balance. Book an appointment today.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Balance Psychological Services' blog posts is meant for educational purposes only. This is NOT medical or mental health advice. If you are seeking mental health advice, please contact us directly at (587) 985-3132.