When the Uniform Comes Off: Finding Yourself After the Job (Transition, PTSD & Medical Retirement)
- Kathy Rolfe
- 4 hours ago
- 6 min read
I was thinking the other day about transition – how many twists and turns life throws at a person. There are so many quotes about it: “It’s funny where life takes you”, “one foot in front of the other”, “trust the process”; references to the road not traveled or thinking about “the one that got away”. The job you didn’t take, the friend you lost touch with, time spent doing one thing but not the other…
Medical Retirement for First Responders: When the Change Isn’t Chosen
All of these are choices that could have taken you down a different path. Life rarely follows a straight line. At times, we all think about the opportunities we did not take, yet some transitions are not chosen at all.
PTSD in First Responders and Canadian Forces Members: “Cake vs No Cake” Retirement
In my work, I often support First Responders and members of the Canadian Forces who are leaving careers because of PTSD, retirement, or medical release (the “cake vs no cake retirement” as many of my clients call it), and the identity loss can be profound. They come by these identities honestly: shift work, deployments, dark humour, social groups, suspiciousness of others that can only come with seeing so many people fall victim to evil deeds - all of this accumulates into a deep enmeshment with their jobs and the people that they serve with. When a job has shaped your identity, losing it can feel like losing a part of yourself.
Identity Loss, Moral Injury, and Medical Retirement: Finding Self-Compassion in the Transition
Over time, I have come across some ideas that help people move through that transition with more self-compassion and hope. Here are a few:
1. Grieve. Big transitions can bring sadness, anger, relief, fear, and even guilt. Let yourself feel what comes up. These transitions can come with the loss of so many things on so many levels. In a career where, like it or not, you are surrounded by people/colleagues, a lack of belongingness and feelings of betrayal, abandonment and loss of connection can run very deep. It increases self-stigma in medical retirement and bring up all kinds of attachment wounds – old and new.
So, feel it. Allow it. Forgive yourself. You have to. And it’s ok.
2. Rethink failure. For many people, especially in medical retirement, leaving can feel like failure or being pushed out. But the issue is often not capability. It is the cost of continuing to suffer. I often say to my clients – “You can do the job. You will always know how to use the skills that you were taught. You can shoot, you can run an IV, you can put out fires…But how much do you want to suffer? It’s not your skills – it’s about suffering.”
Sometimes failure is not leaving; it is staying in something that is harming you. Choosing yourself is not weakness. It is courage. Gabor Mate said, “By saying yes to some things it means not saying yes to others. What are you not saying yes to?” I love that.
3. Look beyond the biggest bubble. The unknown is scary, especially when finances and family responsibilities are involved. Many people believe their job is the only thing they are good at. But work is only one part of identity. I often use the bubble analogy that my dear friend and child therapist extraordinaire Samantha Gruber of Oak and Acorn Therapy used when I interviewed her re: identity loss...
Think about when you wave a bubble wand. There are always a bunch of smaller bubbles and one giant bubble. Everyone hyper-focuses on the giant bubble. Think of that bubble as your workplace identity. Now pop it. The impact and loss of focus can be slightly unsettling. You find yourself frantically looking for other bubbles to look at. Recognize that all these other bubbles are part of you, too.
Think about all the other roles, interests, and strengths that make you who you are: friend, parent, athlete, musician, helper, creator, learner. Some may be old parts of you that got buried by shift work or stress. Others may be new. Paying attention to those parts can help you rebuild identity with more freedom and possibility. When that one big bubble pops, other parts of you are still there. Notice your other bubbles – you will be surprised at what talents or new/old interests you will find. They will help you define and redefine, and, importantly, all of them have rainbows. (Thanks Sam!)
4. Explore. This is an extension of point #3 but I feel it needs its own attention. I have had many clients say they feel they are alone or lost after a transition – retirement, a move, divorce, people they love move or pass away, whatever it may be.
As part of the exploration, I challenge them to look for something fun or different to do. It’s part of self-care and redefinition. In this, a few clients have picked a number (say 25-50) and this is the number of weeks in the year that they will look for something new/exciting/challenging/fun to do. Many of my clients will say: “What do I even like to do at this age? At this stage of my life? When was the last time I actually had FUN?”
So - let’s explore. Once a week (on your chosen weeks) find something new/fun/self-care related to do – you can do it alone or with a companion. Many were so surprised to find that when they told their friends/families about this challenge, many people jumped on board! Suddenly, not only are they Googling away, helping these clients find something to do, but they also want to come along! Connectedness, activities, and a lack of isolation follows.
Ride a roller coaster, get a massage, try that restaurant, take a class, go on that trip – sure! But it can also be free. Go outside and lay in the grass, go on a hike, have someone over for a visit, go fishing, float down the river, take the time to play with the dog…All free. It’s the intention that matters.
These things will also help you remember what you are good at or what you can do that you didn’t know you could. The goal is not performance, it is discovery. Exploration can rebuild confidence, create connection, and remind you that life is still full of options…Many times, with smiles and laughs along the way. Try it!
Do you have a fun idea you'd like to suggest? Leave a comment on this blog post (along with the geographic area you are in if applicable) and let's get a list going! Who knows, your suggestion might be just what someone else needs to hear right now.
5. Be patient (I have to work at this one myself!). Very few answers come quickly. Put one foot in front of the other. Answers come with safety. Not having them can feel very unsettling.
Anxiety is very future-focused and will always tell you all about the worst-case scenario – all while stealing your present moments. Hyper-vigilance and being one step ahead kept us alive on the job. It was functional, but now we have to learn to turn it down.
Remember - “what if” hasn’t happened yet. Trust that you can deal with what comes when it comes. Plan for something if you must, then leave it there. Instead, do what you can in the moment – take time for yourself, or gather your humans/pets around you. Be present and breathe.
Tough times pass. Identity can be rebuilt. You will redefine. And in time, the answers will come. You are a good person, and you will be ok.
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PTSD – What is it? Gender Differences in Military/First Responders and How to Cope:
The Silence of Fathers: Shame, Strength, and Finding Our Voice:
https://www.balancepsychservices.ca/post/the-silence-of-fathers-shame-strength-and-finding-our-voice
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